A shattered soul and spirit
by Onibi
Summary: After a failed attempt at suicide, Naruto's life changes in a way no one expected...
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own anything

AN: My beta, Krow x, and I, thought that the first chapter should be more angsty. So he fixed it up and this version, in my eyes, is way better. Enjoy!

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The lazy morning sun shone brightly through a small battered window onto the small form of a sleeping boy. Uzumaki Naruto cracked open one eye and looked sadly around his small sunlit apartment. 'Why should I even bother getting up?'

Lately the pressure of simply existing was becoming too much and his cheerful façade had started to slip. After all his team hated him, his sensei was indifferent to his presence and certainly the village hated him and never held back from making sure he knew that.

With a sigh he got out of bed and crossed over to the tiny bathroom sink. Looking at his reflection in the mirror above he searched his face, it was the face of a much older person who had endured too much and his eyes, usually a vibrant blue and full of life were dull and missing their sparkle. The bags and dark shadows beneath his eyes a testament to the nightmares that had plagued him since he was tiny.

"I hate you"

His reflection just repeated the words to him silently as a single tear slid down a whisker marked cheek. It didn't matter how hard he tried no-one but Iruka seemed to care if he was around.

'Maybe they're right………maybe I really am nothing and never will be'. With a depressed sigh he went through his normal morning routine but paused at the slim battered wardrobe.

'Orange always orange, I hate orange but they were cheap and no-one cares what a demon wears anyway' sadly donning the usual orange jumpsuit he went to his small kitchen area to make breakfast.

'Damn, to think no-one even notices that I only eat Ramen because it's all I can afford' he laughed hollowly at that though 'of course they don't notice, that's why you've hidden it all this time dobe, you didn't want their pity or charity'. Naruto knew he had a larger than normal appetite (unless you were an Akimichi) probably due to the damn fox sealed in his navel, but there was no way he could afford three steak dinners a night so he made do with an overabundance of Ramen.

He dragged his feet out the front door not bothering to lock it and carefully put his cheerful mask in place. Today it seemed harder than ever to push the hurt and depression down past his knees and into his feet.

Grin in place he made his way through the village trying to ignore the insults, the hateful glares and avoiding the occasional gob of spit or other projectile sent his way he arrived at the bridge where Team 7 met every morning. Each glare and insult caused a tiny crack in today's mask and he was fighting hard with himself to keep it from crumbling altogether.

"Hey Sakura-chan!...Sasuke-teme"

'Well they're obviously pleased to see me' another larger crack in the mask as his team-mates ignored his presence completely.

Sighing bitterly he steeled himself, grin on full power and walked over to his pink-haired team-mate who was talking to an obviously bored Sasuke.

"Hey Sakura-chan, lets go get some Ramen, Kakashi-sensei probably won't be here for hours yet."

Sakura turned slowly to glare at Naruto who stood there grinning stupidly, hands on hips.

"Naruto why can't you just go away, Sasuke-kun and I are talking and we don't need your stupid comments."

She emphasized the word stupid as Sasuke smirked at him, before turning to look at the water running beneath the bridge.

'Yeah that's a great conversation you're having Sakura, the ice prince is hanging off your every word' Naruto's mask cracked a little more, again he gathered himself together but it was so hard now. Drawing a deep breath he took a confident stance and pointed at his raven haired rival.

"Sasuke! I challenge you……come fight me"

Sasuke turned to look at him and sneered.

"Why should I waste my time on a dead-last loser like you? You're too weak to be a challenge"

"WHAT!...bastard I'll be Hokage someday and then-"

"You…..Hokage…..Tch you'll never be Hokage, you've always been a dead last who'll never be anything but a loudmouth pain in the ass"

Nodding at each of Sasuke's comments Sakura continued to glare at Naruto before adding her own tirade.

"Yeah, Sasuke-kun's right, no-one likes you, you don't have any friends and I'm surprised you even graduated the academy now go away"

Naruto's careful mask shattered irretrievably into tiny pieces and to Sasuke and Sakura's surprise Naruto's scowl and loud behaviour suddenly disappeared.

"You're right" Naruto murmured sadly before turning and running off back towards his apartment building leaving a slightly shocked pair of genin on the bridge.

It didn't take long before Sakura turned her attention back to her beloved Sasuke but, a tiny quiet part of each of them was slightly worried at their loud team-mate's out of character behaviour moments ago. Had they finally gone too far?

* * *

Naruto stopped running when he got to his roof. He stood there for a while staring up at the faces on the Hokage monument, particularly that of the Fourth. 

'To think all these years I've been wasting my time thinking I could measure up to you. Well I've had it with these people I can't take it anymore…'

"No more……..it's time to end the cycle" he said clearly speaking to the Fourth, two teardrops slowly creeping down his whiskered cheeks.

Dropping down into his window taking a length of rope which was coiled in a corner of the roof, with him he'd made his decision.

* * *

Meanwhile at the bridge……. 

"YO!" Kakashi poofed onto the bridge one hand raised in apology "Sorry I'm l-" he trailed off as he noticed only Sakura was screaming 'Liar' at him. "where's Naruto?" it wasn't like him not to be there, even if he was ill he'd be there. Naruto took being a ninja very seriously.

Sasuke just grunted and continued to look bored.

"Who cares" Sakura replied keeping her eyes fixed on Sasuke "we had an argument and he ran off towards home"

Kakashi sighed, he wished these two would cut Naruto a little slack and that Naruto wouldn't keep antagonising them.

"Well we need him we can't do missions without the whole team so let's go get him"

The two genin rolled their eyes before following their sensei towards Naruto's apartment block.

* * *

Naruto carefully knotted the rope making sure to copy one particular knot that a villager had threatened him with in the past. 

'I guess I'm just a mistake and if I die everyone will be happy, no more Kyuubi. Iruka will probably be sad, but he'll soon forget about me and he won't have to waste his money buying me Ramen anymore'.

He looped one end of the rope over a hook in the ceiling that he usually hung some of his training equipment on before climbing onto his wooden chair and putting the rope around his neck.

'This is it …..goodbye' and he kicked the chair away from under his feet.

* * *

"This is it." Kakashi stopped in front of a door. 

"Let's just get the dobe and go, we're wasting time." Sasuke said as Kakashi opened the unlocked door. As the door opened the first thing they saw was Naruto...hanging.

"NARUTO!" Kakashi rushed forward with a kunai and cut the rope. Naruto fell to the floor gasping, tears streaming down his face as he slowly got up to his knee's.

"WHY?...YOU SHOULD'VE LEFT ME TO DIE" Naruto's voice was hoarse and cracked on the last word.

Sakura had tears in her eyes, shocked and unable to comprehend why Naruto would do something like this. How could he be in so much pain that he'd try and kill himself? He was the most cheerful upbeat person she knew.

Sasuke's eyes nearly popped out of his head. Did Naruto suffer that much? Why? How? He too couldn't understand.

Kakashi was hurt, deeply hurt to know that one of his own students, one of his now precious people, that he thought he knew, didn't want to live.

"Go away, leave me here. I can't stand it anymore, you don't know how it feels to have everyone DESPISE you" Naruto screamed as tears continued to blur his vision. 'I can't live, I have to end it now'

Naruto grabbed the kunai from Kakashi's limp grasp and was about to stab himself in the heart something the Kyuubi wouldn't be able to heal fast enough if his aim was true.

Recovering from the shock, Kakashi quickly chopped Naruto on the back of his neck knocking him out.

"Go home……. now." Kakashi snapped at Sasuke and Sakura who stood speechless as he picked up Naruto and disappeared.

Sasuke and Sakura only had one thought going through their mind as they turned and walked down the dirty hallway.

'I was wrong...'

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Hope you liked it. I did.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: nope, I aint got nothing.

An: Thanks for the reveiws, and enjoy.

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Naruto woke up to find that he was unable to move. His legs, arms, and even his fingers were strapped to a bed. 'Must be the hospital...heh they probably think I'll do it again, but would it matter? Yeah it would. I can't just give in like that. I can't take the easy way out, I won't do it...But can I live the same way? No I have to change this... ' 

His thoughts were cut off as the door to his room opened. It was Kakashi.

Kakashi walked over to a chair next to the bed and sat down. He watched as Naruto's expressionless face continued to stare at the ceiling. "Naruto I-"

"I'm sorry..." Naruto said cutting Kakashi off.

" Huh?" Kakashi was confused. "I'm sorry. I... lost control for a while." When Naruto saw Kakashi go pale he shook his head. "No not the Kyuubi, my emotions. I...I couldn't just smile, when Sasuke and Sakura said those things...I lost it, for that one second andI gave up, I went against my own words and gave up. Now that I think about it...I feel so dumb, I was so focused on getting people to notice me and respect me... I didn't care how I felt."

Kakashi put his hand on Naruto's arm. "Naruto, I know it's hard, but something like this can't happen again, you're stronger than this." Naruto turned and looked at Kakashi.

"Sensei...why do you wear your mask?"

"Um...well..." Naruto chuckled, which made Kakashi smile slightly under his mask. "It's okay I know. You wear a mask to hide something...like me." Kakashi's smile faded. "You can't hide behind yours anymore Naruto..." Naruto just smiled back at him sadly. "I know...they won't believe the smiles anymore, it'll never be the same...but I don't want it that way. It was all too much, like hiding and at the same time wanting to be seen. I guess it will be like a fresh start."

Kakashi stood and walked to the door then stopped. "I'm told you can leave tomorrow, but there might be a couple of ANBU keeping an eye on you so don't be alarmed." He opened the door and stopped again "Oh and one last thing, please..." Kakashi gave Naruto one last smile as his hand rested on the frame "Burn the orange" with that he was gone.

Naruto lay on the bed with a smile on his face, a real smile this time.

"A fresh start..."

* * *

Naruto sprinted home the next day after being released from the hospital. I need to get out of this thing! was his only thought as he glanced at his jumpsuit. After wearing orange for you whole life, you tend to get tired of it. 

Real tired.

Arriving at his apartment he ran straight to the closet and grabbed all of his brightly coloured jumpsuits and put them in a bag. Turning to his bed he lifted the mattress and grabbed his frog wallet which he stuffed into a pocket. Slinging the bag of clothes over his shoulder, he left locking the door behind him.

Once outside he threw the bag of clothes in the nearest trash can and without a single backward glance he ran to the nearest clothes store. People still glared at him and whispered, but now he really didn't care, for once it wasn't what they thought about him, it was how he thought about himself.

On reaching the store he checked no-one was watching and was slightly surprised to notice a pair of ANBU hiding in the shadows of the roof above watching him.

Remembering what his sensei told him the previous day he used a basic Henge to transform into a random villager (just in case) and waved at them before entering the shop. He gazed in wonder for a few moments at the myriads of clothes before him then set out to choose his new wardrobe.

* * *

Naruto walked back into his apartment with two bags, fumbling slightly with the keys as he wrestled his purchases through the narrow doorway he sighed contentedly before dropping down onto the worn out sofa, pleasantly tired after his shopping spree. 

Opening the first bag he pulled out a pair of black cargo shorts that ended below the knee, black ninja sandals, a plain black shirt, a blue sleeveless hoody with a black swirl on the back, black fingerless gloves and a black cloth for his forehead protector. Using a good part of his savings he'd bought several variations on these items to complete is new image. Placing his new clothes in the closet he selected an outfit and went for a shower.

Clean and wearing a set of his new trappings it was time to empty the second bag. He pulled out various scrolls and text books most of which he was supposed to have studied at the academy but he never really paid attention in class, preferring instead to draw attention to himself using pranks. Settling again into the sofa he picked out a book at random and began to read, 'I can do this, I can start again'

After studying for four hours straight he looked up at the clock and was surprised to see it was a little after 7pm and his stomach was announcing it was time for dinner. Preparing his favourite ramen and fidgeting at the 3 minute wait he sat and ate at the table in the silence that was his home lost in thought.

A sudden knock on the door brought him out of his reverie. Leaving what was left his meal on the table he got up and opened the door to find the last person in the world he thought would visit him standing on the doorstep.

" Sasuke?"

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AN: No, this is not yaoi or shonen-ai. Sorry, but I can't write that stuff. Big thanks to **_Krows Scared _**and **_Lordvader _**( sorry I forgot your pen name. If your reading this please send it to me). Review and vote on pairings! 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I have nothing.

AN: I'll probaly only answer one review a chapter, sorry.

DarkMan: I know what you mean, but this was my first time doing something like this and it was kind of hard. As for Naruto/Hinata, don't worry this will not be one of those stories. I'm really sorry to those that like that pairing, but it's not happening.

Thank you everyone else for the reviews! Enjoy!

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Cheerful yellow light spilled out onto the decking from the open door as the two figures stood there frozen in time.

Naruto looked deep into Sasuke's eyes searching and tensed at the hated emotion he found reflected there…..pity.

Slamming the door in Sasuke's face he stalked back to the table and his meal, anger stamped on his face. He knew what he'd done and didn't need people feeling sorry for him and reminding him of his loss of control, especially not HIM. Tuning out the loud persistent knocking he continued to eat his ramen. He'd deal with these feelings later and hopefully his so called team-mates later still. Finishing off the broth with a sigh, he listened to the angry yelling that now accompanied the heavy blows from the other side of the door. He'd probably need to make repairs once Sasuke was done trying to break the door.

"Naruto open this damn door now!"

"Just go HOME Sasuke! I don't care if you're sorry or if you realized you were wrong, I don't want your pity!" Naruto screamed before turning back to his task of filling the ramen bowl again in the tiny kitchen.  
The pounding on the door stopped. 'Looks like I hit the nail on the head.' The blonde boy thought as he dug into a second hot bowl of noodles.

The rest of the night passed quietly...

* * *

The next morning Naruto went through his routine as normal. Dressed in his new style he stopped and looked at his reflection in the mirror frowning.Reaching up he removed his forehead protector and fastened it around his right bicep. Checking again in the mirror he smiled thinly at his reflection before heading off to find Shikamaru. After reading some of his new books he realised that if he was to make Chuunin then, amongst other  
things he needed to practice strategy which Shikamaru although lazy, he'd heard was good at. Persuading him may me difficult but he'd find a way.After that he'd go do some target practice and work on building up his speed if he had the time.

As Naruto approached Team 10's training ground he inwardly congratulated himself on being right first time as a boy came into view laid in the grassy clearing seemingly asleep. Surprisingly Chouji was nowhere in sight which  
seemed quite unusual as they were very rarely seen apart. Clearing his mind of such random thoughts he called the lazy boy's name.

"Hey, Shikamaru!"

A brown head with a spiky ponytail half turned to look at Naruto stood a few feet away, he'd known who it was approaching and had hoped to be left in peace, no such luck. As his gaze took in the figure of Naruto he sat up suddenly his jaw dropping. Naruto, not wearing orange and instead of a silly grin plastered on his face he wore an almost worryingly serious expression.

"Naruto?"

Naruto nodded and sat down next to him with his legs crossed. "I need your help." Naruto saw the confusion on the boys face. "I heard you were a great strategist."

Shikamaru rolled his eyes and muttered "…….troublesome. Where did you hear that?"

"I was following Kakashi-sensei and overheard your sensei grumbling about never beating you at Shogi. Since Shogi needs strategy and patience and you can beat a Jounin every time, you must be good."

Shikamaru was surprised at Naruto's deduction and looked at the blonde boy in front of him closely making Naruto squirm under the intense gaze. Something serious had to have happened to change Naruto this much in such a short time and wondered if this had anything to do with Ino being dragged off 2 days ago by a sobbing Sakura. He hadn't seen Ino since then, not even for their team's daily meeting. Their sensei had just shrugged when he'd asked.Gazing up at the clouds with an exaggerated sigh he gave Naruto his answer.

"You're so troublesome. Fine let's go get a Shogi board." Hopefully he'd be able to find out what had occurred to change the boisterous blond into this quiet, serious person.

Naruto nodded and smiled slightly, surprised at his easy victory. "Thanks."

* * *

Naruto was frustrated. They'd arrived at the Nara family home where Naruto waited outside whilst Shikamaru collected his Shogi board, both of them relieved for different reasons that the elder Nara's weren't home. They returned to the training field and after teaching Naruto how to play Shikamaru commenced beating him at every turn. Pointing out his mistakes Shikamaru then advised him how not to make them and different solutions for  
getting out of bad situations.Naruto became convinced that Shikamaru was a genius, lazy yes but a genius all the same.

It was getting dark when Naruto thought about the other skills he needed to work on, he'd enjoyed his day learning Shogi. "Hey Shikamaru"

Shikamaru looked at Naruto after moving another piece on the board. "Yeah?" He answered lazily.

"Do you know of a way to increase my speed?" Naruto said as he looked at the board with a sigh. 'I lost again...'

Shikamaru put a finger on his chin as he thought about it. "hmm... you could use weights." Naruto's eyebrow rose in confusion.

"Weights?" He didn't understand. Shikamaru sighed. "...weights can be worn so that your body has to adjust to the extra burden as you go about your usual training, consequently when you remove the weights your body feels lighter and you can move at greater speed. The heavier the weights the greater the increase." He glanced at Naruto curiously as the other boy stared down at the ground deep in thought. Shikamaru got up and stretched.

"It's getting late, I'd better go. You can borrow the board if you want." Naruto also stood up and looked at the darkening sky in surprise as he picked up the Shogi board. "Thank you for everything." He gave Shikamaru a small genuine smile before turning and walking away.

"Naruto……."

He stopped and turned to see Shikamaru with a serious brooding expression adorning his face.

"What happened?"

Naruto was surprised, but he slowly turned until his back was once again facing Shikamaru.

"I can't explain it in words, but in a way I died."

Shikamaru watched silently as the fair-haired haired boy walked away, something was definitely not right and this new sombre and serious Naruto was very disquieting. He made a mental note to talk to Ino and find out if  
Sakura had told her anything. Deep in thought he wandered home.

* * *

When Naruto got to the door of his apartment, there was a note stuck to it.

_We have a mission tomorrow. Meet us on the bridge at 9:00 A.M.  
Kakashi  
_

Naruto sighed and tore the note from the now battered door 'I wish I could have had more time, but I have a job to do. Such is the life of a ninja.' He thought sadly as he crumpled the note and walked into his apartment. He tossed the note into the garbage and began to set up the Shogi board on the table.

He practiced until nine and then ate. After putting his dishes in the sink, he yawned and got ready for bed. Lying on his back he stared at the cracked and flaky ceiling for a while mulling over the day's events in his mind before falling asleep.

As he slept, his subconscious worked through many scenarios and what strategies would work best with them, almost like he was still in the field with Shikamaru but something felt out of place. As his thoughts whirled around he noticed the creeping darkness around him as a chilling laugh echoed endlessly in the background.

TBC...

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AN: I'm sorry this is so short but the chapters will get longer I promise. As far as pairings go, I already have one in mind. It ain't Hinata or Sakura. If you wanna know who it is you gotta read. Big thanks to **_Krow x, _**my beta. Review!


	4. A last note

Yeah yeah, another damn note, sorry. But I am back for a while, and now I need you beautiful readers to help me make up my damn jumpy mind.

In my profile, a poll for which story of my small amount, four, is raging on. So please go there and vote on which one should be updated. Even though it's pretty obvious you would chose the story your reading this note on, I'm still going by the vote, so vote please. I'll end up updating them all eventually, taking out the winner each time till they all have an update, so yeah, VOTE PLZ!

Till the next update, which might be this month .

Love ya


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